Nursery Rhymes I Now Sing to My Kids Thanks to This Stupid Election

Kimberly Harrington
3 min readApr 24, 2016
Original illustration for RAZED by Scott Lenhardt

Baa baa black sheep,
Have you any wool?
No sir, no sir,
The millionaires and billionaires have it, sorry.

Jack and Jill
Went up Capitol Hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
But all anyone could talk about
Was how Jill should smile more.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t stop all of the blood coming out of his wherever.

A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
Will hopefully kill me by November.

The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah!
The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah!
The ants go marching one by one,
The little one stops to shout in protest
And the other ants kick him and shove him,
Then go shoot some other ant in the middle of 5th Avenue,

Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot cross buns!
If you have no daughters,
THANK GOD because we obviously hate women anyway.

Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the national deficit.
There will definitely, definitely be no Social Security
When you hit retirement age.
Hickory dickory dock!

A wise old owl sat in an oak,
The more he heard, the less he spoke;
The less he spoke, the more he heard;
So obviously he’s not a member of the media.

Tinker, tailor,
Soldier, sailor,
Rich man, poor man,
Beggar man,
Is pretty much every candidate’s grandfather’s biography.

You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out;
You put your right foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That’s what it’s all about!
You put your left foot in,
And you’re a Democratic Socialist.
And then Hillary copies all the popular stuff you do,
So she shakes her hands about.
She does the Hokey-Pokey,
And turns her positions around,
What are these damn e-mails all about?

Yankee Doodle came to town,
A-ridin’ on his private jet;
He stuck a feather in his hair
And no one’s seen it since.

The man in the moon
Looked out of the moon
And this is what he said:
“I haven’t heard anything about funding for NASA yet,
Is someone going to come get me or what?”

The itsy bitsy spider
Climbed up the water spout;
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out;
Then out came something orange that looked like an angry sun
And dried up all the spider’s hopes
Because the itsy bitsy spider is now
Temporarily barred from entering the United States
So the rain is the least of its problems.

Georgie Porgie, pudding pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
I guess Ted Cruz’s daughter knows all about that.
Man, can you imagine?

What are little girls made of?
Look at that face!
Would anyone vote for that?
That’s what little girls are made of.

I’ve been workin’ on the railroad,
All the livelong day!
I’ve been workin’ on the railroad,
Because this country needs to invest $1 trillion in its infrastructure.
Until then I’m pretty much the only guy here.

All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought ‘twas all in fun.
Until the weasel became the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

Birds of a feather flock together,
And so will pigs and swine;
Rats and mice will have their choice,
And so will I have mine.*


This piece originally appeared on the parenting humor site RAZED.

If it made you laugh or cry-laugh (both are acceptable), please consider hitting that heart-shaped recommend thing so more desperate people will find these stupid nursery rhymes. Thanks!



Kimberly Harrington

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