Okay everyone settle down, settle down. Let’s get started, it’s getting hot up here. It’s hot everywhere! It’s Hell, you guys. Hey Hitler, watch my tail there, buddy.
That’s right, it’s that time of the month again — and I know a little something about times of the month, don’t I ladies — when we recognize someone who has truly gone below and backwards in their duties. A person who has taken that whole false prophet thing and really run with it. And a person who is so repulsive that he only gets votes because people hate immigrants more than they hate him. You gotta love that logic! Jesus was an immigrant you guys but okay. Even I couldn’t come up with that kind of self-serving twisted rationale and I’m Satan for Devil’s sake!
You all know who I’m talking about, I could only be speaking of one guy. I can tell by that look you know who it is, don’t you Roger Ailes? Here, hold my pitchfork.
Everyone, give a hot round of applause to our Employee of the Month, the one, the only, the probably cold-to-the-touch, Ted Cruz!
Of course he couldn’t be here tonight since he isn’t technically dead. But I think we all know the truth, don’t we Adam Lanza, Stephen Paddock, Omar Saddiqui Mateen, Seung-Hui Cho, Devin Patrick Kelley, Christopher Sean Harper-Mercer, and I’ll have to leave it at that because I don’t have all night. I mean, I technically have until the end of time but even I don’t want to talk about Ted Cruz that long. As I was saying, he technically might not be dead but I feel confident claiming him even this early in the game. There’s no way he turns this one around.
The evidence is irrefutable and deeply evil. It’s a classic story of the light trying to take on the darkness but, hello, the darkness is extraordinarily good at lying. The darkness doesn’t give a fuck about even a fourth-grade level of morality, humanity, or non-yuckiness. And the darkness has an A+ rating from the NRA, our above ground satellite organization.
We all knew that the light that is Beto was winning. We all saw it. We might be in an underworld full of hellfire and writhing, tormented souls but that doesn’t mean we don’t get Fox News and occasionally MSNBC. Ted fought against that light like he fought whatever stylist he works with. He fought against that light like he fought against providing healthcare to those who need it most, even if that meant reading “Green Eggs and Ham” on the Senate floor in what continues to be the most chilling performance of a Dr. Seuss book in living human history. And he fought against that light by evacuating what was left of his soul straight through his bowels when he begged the man who insulted his wife and implicated his father in the JFK assassination to stump for him. Slow down Ted, even I can’t keep up with this level of depravity!
Ted saw humanity in Beto, he saw the morality, and he saw that really good hair of his without any stuff in it — do you think he had stuff in it? Maybe something soft to the touch like a water-based wax or Kiehl’s Crème with Silk Groom? You know, doesn’t leave the hair stiff or dull, got a nice smooth texture — LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL OF US, the light is always testing us, it’s even testing me right now. And there is a fair amount of light in Beto’s hair.
As I was saying, Ted has consistently done the wrong thing which down here counts as the absolute right thing. He sought to grind under his shoes-that-probably-have-lifts-in-them the poor and immigrants and women and those who are the truly godly, the kind of good religious folk who don’t believe Americans have a lock on Jesus or you have to speak English to get into Heaven. Ha! Have you ever been to that place? It’s awash in diversity. Don’t ask me how I know. Long story. Anyway, it’s disgusting.
But he won. Ted won. No one is more surprised than I am and let me tell you something Pinochet, even I had money riding on Beto.
One last note, you really have to hand it to him on that “Tough as Texas” slogan. Because you and I both know, John Wayne Gacy, that if Ted was in a real Texas bar and someone even brushed his fancy boy sleeve, he’d have a trail of pee down his trousers and pooling into his loafers faster than you can say “See you in Hell, you-probably-lick-snakes-and-touch-dead-people’s-hair-at-open-casket-funerals-because-it-gets-you-hot.”
Everyone, raise your cloven hoof goblets in a toast to Ted Cruz, Hell’s Employee of the Month! May he reign forever above ground and I hope to Devil I’ve been replaced by the time he gets here.
Kimberly Harrington is the author of AMATEUR HOUR: MOTHERHOOD IN ESSAYS AND SWEAR WORDS (Harper Perennial). She is a columnist and regular contributor to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and her work has also appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, and The Cut. You can follow her over in the real Hell, Twitter.